Monday, September 29, 2014

5K + My Playlist

This weekend I ran a 5k and I LOVED it. I don't run many races because 1. I'm not that competitive, 2. They make me anxious, 3. I'm poor, and 4. I don't train specifically for them, I just shoot for a comfortable paced distance every day. But this one was free, and it's been a while, so I couldn't say no!
Most of the time I run, I'm on my treadmill before the sun comes up watching Netflix on my phone. It's kind of wonderful, but sometimes I'm kind of over it. My playlist that kept me fast this race (and this morning because it was just so good on Saturday- sometimes I'm totally in the mood for a music only, stare at the wall kind of run!):
1. Dog Days are Over- Florence + the Machine
2. Bang Bang- Jessie J
3. Promises- Nero
4. Sail- AWOL Nation
5. Octahate- Ryn Weaver
6. When I Grow Up- PCD
7. Salt Shaker- Ying Yang Twins
8. Shake- Ying Yang Twins
9. Thinkin About You- Mario
10. Kill- Jimmy Eat World
11. Work- Jimmy Eat World
12. Girls Chase Boys- Ingrid Michaelson
13. Still Into You- Paramore
14. Knock You Down- Keri Hilson
15. Hollaback Girl- Gwen Stefani
16. I'll Never Let You Go- Third Eye Blind
17. Oil and Water- Incubus
18. Get Low- Lil John
I may not be competitive with others, I am competitive with myself, and I wanted to prove that my 6 miles a day are worth it and my hard work has paid off. I went into the race hoping to run it in under 25 minutes, and was really surprised when I finished in 20:55! I know this isn't fast compared to tons of people, but for me, it was awesome. 

Is it crazy that running makes me a little emotional sometimes? I started tearing up a few times during the race. I know. Mostly I was thinking about how hard I've worked to get to this point, and how thankful I am to have my health and strength back after too long of being in the pit of an eating disorder. I always ran then too, but now I feel strong and able and honest. I've worked hard for every muscle, every bead of sweat, and every heartbeat. My lungs were on fire, but in a good way. I was breathing deep and felt good the whole time. Running can get a little surreal at times when I'm in the zone, and I think that's what keeps me lacing up day after day, year after year. I love running, it's a huge part of my life, and it's (finally) for the right reasons. 

Also is there anything quite like seeing your 2 main men waiting for you as you cross the finish line? Oh, my heart. 

You do know this means I'll be looking to beat my record at the Turkey Trot now, right? I've officially rekindled my racing bug (read: occasional racing bug. It felt so good but also so bad if you know what I'm saying! My legs!).

What are your must-haves on your running playlist?
Mine could change daily depending on my mood! I run to the most random stuff sometimes. See randomness exhibit A above :)

Friday, September 26, 2014

A Whole Lot of Love

I love this happy, sweet boy who looks exactly like his daddy.
I love that he is needy enough to make me feel needed.
I love that in the morning when he wakes up, he yells out "Mommy? Mommy? Mommy?" in that sweetest little voice until I come get him.
I love that he wants to play with me all day long.
I love how clever he thinks I am for putting a cup on my head or covering my eyes with blocks.
I love how transparently happy he is when I open the door to play outside.
I love how he says "night night" when we put him to bed (and keeps saying it after we walk out).
I love his concentration face- scrunched nose and furrowed eyebrows. It's so good.
And I love, love my best friend and hot hot husband that I get to do life and forever with.
I love that we not only do life together, but we laugh together and love being together. I chose my love and I am (still) so, so in love with my choice.
This is the good stuff. This is what it's all about. I never could have known what I was missing before these two boys came along and filled my heart until it overflowed over and over again.

Happy Friday loves!

Tuesday, September 23, 2014

Snapshots of Our Days

Milo had his first puddle jumping experience the other day. This little boy was in Heaven!
 Yesterday Milo had a little runny nose, so we stayed close to home for the morning. We ventured over to the park across the street before it got too hot like we usually do.  Milo ate lots of rocks like he usually does.

Those blue eyes could kill me!
 My happy little jungle boy in his element.
Naptime lasted almost a whopping 4 hours, followed by filming a house, picking a birthday present for Aunt Sarah, picking up his sippy cup we left at a friend's house on Sunday, snuggling, and more playing. He's so much less stuffy already this morning. It always makes me happy when he's under the weather and can get a good nap. Those things are miracle workers!

Business as usual over here... just how I like it.

Friday, September 19, 2014

Decisions, Decisions

Short version in case you missed it: Last spring, we carefully weighed the options, prayed a lot, and made the decision that I would get my real estate license and hopefully be able to make more income while still being full time mommy. Over the beginning of summer, I studied and did all my classes online during nap time and at night. Got my license in the very beginning of July, and then have had nothing but rustling leaves ever since. Showings here and there, but otherwise, radio silence.

It was starting to make me a little sick, knowing that we had invested all this time and money into something that felt like the right decision at the time but just wasn't happening. I (naively) hoped that the full time Realtor thing would kind of fall into place, and all the stars would align and I would magically have clients. Not the case (as everyone warned- go figure). It started to become evident that if I really wanted this to work out, I was going to have to give up time with Milo to attend trainings 4-5 times a week, call complete strangers and beg for business all the time, invest even more money into my business, and hope that eventually something would come of it. After some not-so-difficult soul searching, I knew this wasn't what I wanted. At all.

So this week, my partner/mentor/teacher proposed that I be his licensed assistant. I've been doing administrative work for him for over a year, and I love it. It's clear cut, creative, flexible, and there is virtually nothing I can't do with Milo, in the evenings when Trevor is home, or when Milo is sleeping. Now that I have my license, I'm able to do even more tasks than I could before, thus yielding me more hours and him more business. As soon as he explained this option to me, I literally felt the weight of the world lifted off my shoulders. I could breathe again! The pit in my stomach disappeared in a second and I knew so easily that this was the right move. This is what an answer to prayer feels like. I'm so glad to be working with someone who supports my decision to be with my family and doesn't make me feel like I have to defend it constantly, because I just don't feel like I should need to.

Yesterday we made it official, and I slept better the last 2 nights than I have in a couple of months. Being first and foremost a stay-at-home mom is a decision that I have never once questioned. The thought of considering another option makes my heart start breaking. I brought my baby into this world very much by choice, and I worked hard to get him here! He is my world. I would so much rather look back on these student years and know that we were just barely scraping by but we were attached at the hip, than to remember them as the days I gave up my sweet time with my one little Milo. Being a stay at home mom may not be the popular decision for families, but it is without a doubt the right decision for mine. I don't feel undervalued, and I don't feel like I'm giving anything up, quitting, or failing. If anything, I feel like I'm gaining my life and my peace back. I feel so incredibly blessed to have found work that allows me to do that, because the other side of this coin is that me not bringing in any income isn't an option for us right now either. I've worked really hard to make this happen, and I'm so, so thankful that after all the wondering and hoping and trying to figure things out that I'm seeing that becoming licensed was worth it, and that it is all working out.

Tuesday, September 16, 2014


See this outfit Milo is wearing?
 It may look familiar to you because I put it on him first thing every time it gets out of the wash. It is my favorite. He is so soft and snuggly and cute in it and the day he outgrows it will be a sad day indeed.

I never do this with my own clothes. I'm an avid cycler and rarely wear the same thing within 2 weeks of each other. With Milo it's a different story!
 I have a thing for one piece rompers, as you well know. The other day, my brother said, does Milo have like a million of those one piece things? To which I replied, yes. Yes he does.

You can't blame a momma for wanting to soak up every day with her kid looking as cute and snuggly as possible, right? My baby may not be dressed like a baby gap model, but he is always warm/cool enough, comfy, and just the softest little cuddle bug.
 Side note. Anyone ever get your baby dressed and then change them because you want to see them run around in something cuter all day? I do it more than I'd like to admit! I can't waste a day on an outfit I don't love holding/seeing/playing with him in.
That's all for today's installation of kind-of-crazy-mom-stuff. Tell me I'm not the only one?!

Monday, September 15, 2014

1 and a Half!

My big boy is one and a half today! I can't even believe it! I will always take any and all opportunities to celebrate Milo, so today we have big plans for kiddie cones at McDonalds (I know, we are party animals). Also all the playing outside he wants and maybe even a late bedtime because I'm his mom and I'll spoil him as much as I want!
Happy half birthday, sweet boy. You make my whole world go round. I'll hold you up to play with the fan switch as much as you want today.

Saturday, September 13, 2014

Our Day in Pictures

When Milo wants a bite: ("Aah. Aah. Aah.")
 Milo let me carry him through THE WHOLE MALL without trying to squirm away yesterday. It was awesome.
 Playing in the truck bed with his friend. They were loving it! And so was I!
 Milo passed out in the car and that is my favorite because that means this will happen:
 BOOTS! I love rainy days with a little chill. I'm in heaven!

Skeleton jams for the win!
Have a fabulous weekend!

Wednesday, September 10, 2014


{Before I forget- true story:
"Milo, do you want a hot dog?"
"Ruff! Ruff!"}

Practicing animal sounds, body parts, putting on shoes and taking them off and switching pairs, and lots of playing outside and climbing are making this boy's world go round right now.

That's all for today, y'all. We've got some grass to pick.

Tuesday, September 9, 2014

Faith Outside of the Comfort Zone

Disclaimer: This post got real wordy real fast. If you don't want to know about my boring problems and empty uterus, I'd suggest skipping it :)
I'm stepping outside of my comfort zone in a lot of ways right now. To be completely honest, I do not have the mind of a businesswoman. Give me babies to care for, errands to run, and a house to clean, and I am in my element. But that's the dream, isn't it? In the here and now, I'm also trying to make a career in real estate work out. And I'm excited about it! I'm willing. I want to help us get through these next years of school. But being hung up on, calling and knocking doors of people I don't know, and asking people for referrals? Yeesh. I was not made for such rejection!

Then there's that other issue... the baby issue. Let me start by saying I am so blessed in so many ways. I go to sleep every night feeling like my day was worth it because I spent it with Milo, and Trevor came home to me at night. I've never felt like I found my true calling in life more than I've felt in this year and a half as a mom. I will never again doubt my purpose in life. I love it, I love it, I love it. And I really do spend the vast majority of my time happy and enjoying this beautiful life I live.

But then there's the part that's trying to get pregnant again, and the months are just creeping on and on. I didn't think this would be an issue again (with Milo it took about a year and a half), and it is. And we're not being conservative with our treatments, either. I'll be honest. I hoped I'd be fertile again while I was still nursing. I've been hoping to magically find out I was pregnant since last summer. January came along and I weaned Milo. March came along and still hadn't started my period again. So I started working with a doctor. Bloodwork to check hormone levels. Provera to get things moving. 1 round of clomid. 1 round of clomid + tamoxifen. 4 rounds of clomid + menopur + hcg. HSG test (good). Sperm test (good). Ultrasound monitoring at least twice a month. Bloodwork a week after ovulation every month. Estrogen patches and progesterone supplements after ovulation. And nothing. So this month it's clomid + 2x menopur + hcg. And as I anxiously await the refrigerated box of injections being shipped to my house (shudder), I can't help but feel my faith wavering. I know this is what we are supposed to do. We know that growing our little family is what we're meant to be doing right now, and with that, we both want to more than anything. But it's no secret that money is tight around here, and treatments aren't cheap. And let's not fool ourselves into thinking that I'm a wildly successful realtor bringing in the big bucks. So then I think... are we crazy? Is this the dumbest thing we could possibly be doing right now? But I already know that answer. We were meant to have babies. Maybe it takes us a while, but that's ok. I don't have to have my babies 14 months apart like other women I so wanted to join in the mommy club.

And while we're at it. Why do we as women feel such an intense desire to be as pretty as/fun as/loved as/awesome of a wife/mom as each other? The comparison thing... it's a killer. Especially when everyone and their mom is announcing that they are pregnant all day every day (or so it feels when you're caught in the trap of comparing). Oh, you're 22 and you have 3 kids under 3? Oh and you're pregnant with twins! Awesome. Why, oh why does this cut me to the core? Goodness knows I'm working on making it not.

So anyways, when you're taking medication or getting a shot or an ultrasound or getting busy every day, it's hard to keep infertility at the back of your mind. But I'm doing my best. I've learned from experience that if I let myself think about it too much, it drives me batty. And also. Every time you find out you're not pregnant, can we talk about the terrible, inevitable conversation that neither of you wants to have but you both need to have? That day is always such a doozy. And after so many times of that same conversation, it hasn't gotten much easier.

So right now, I'm learning to stretch myself. This quote from David O McKay describes this season perfectly:  “The trouble with you is you want to see the end from the beginning. You must learn to walk to the edge of the light, and then a few steps into the darkness; then the light will appear and show the way before you.” 

I don't want to come of as ungrateful. I know that things could be so, so much worse, and I know things really are so good. We all have trials, and mine are so pale in comparison to I'm sure a majority of people! I spend just about all of my time happy and loving life. But we all have things, you know? And right now, this is mine. I wish I had some magical answer and conclusion that I've come to with all of the crazy, but I don't. What I do know is that I have a little boy who loves me so much, and he is my everything. And I know that I can be a good mom to him right now, all day, every day. And I know that I can separate myself from worry. Worrying about it won't make me sell houses, and it surely won't make me pregnant. I'm doing good things, and I'm being the best I can, and I'm being proactive about my struggles. And that's really all I can really do, so the rest is in God's hands. Isn't that the hardest part? Putting all the answers and timing into His hands and aligning your will with His after doing your part to make it happen? But I guess that's what faith really is, and mine could surely use some building.

So for now, you can find me still venturing maybe more than a few steps into the unknown, and doing my best to be the best me I can. And keeping my heart still.

Monday, September 8, 2014

Overalls + NO!

I'm going to make these happen. No, they don't do any favors for my hips or the fact that people think I'm 18. Who cares.

 Kansas girls were meant to wear overalls, regardless of how (un)flattering they may be. I'm holding onto my roots hard here my friends. 

In other news, Milo has learned how to say "no". I'd be scared if it wasn't so cute. But he shapes his little mouth into a perfect little O and says "nooooo" all nasally when he's displeased with the situation. He's picking up words like crazy right now! I'm in love.

Friday, September 5, 2014

Milo the Munch

Tell me I'm not the only mom who's baby turned into a full fledged toddler overnight? I know I say it all the time but he is learning SO much so fast right now.

Milo's newest word is "mmm! Ummy!" whenever he sees us eating. He's so coy with his subliminal messaging asking for a bite :). He also stands at the fridge and asks for his food this way. Funny, funny baby.

When he's done eating, he starts picking up pieces of his food and chucking it piece by piece across the room. Not quite as funny. It's like a race between me and that strong little arm. He must throw as many cheerios and smear as much yogurt as possible before I get to his little hands with the rag!

He also loves coloring now. It's so fun. Also poking holes in the paper with pens so... 
He got these little bath crayons as a gift when he was tiny, and I just barely broke them out yesterday. They were a hit. And just FYI according to Milo they do not taste very good.
 He loves to go bye bye and runs straight for the door every time I say it. I'm having to be more careful in narrating our days because if I let out "Milo, do you want to go bye bye?" or "Milo let's go in the bath!" before we're both ready, he gets mad!

He's getting shy around strangers, which actually makes it a lot easier to take him places sometimes! Keeps him nice and close, and sometimes I can even get a shoulder nuzzle out of him. Score.

He also loves looking at his books. He regularly climbs up into the rocking chair and breaks open a book. It is the sweetest thing!
He is still a champion napper. When he's awake, he is AWAKE and running and active the whole time. He still takes 2 naps a day a lot of the time (for about 3 hours total) or one long 3 hour one, and sleeps about 11-11.5 hours at night no problem. He wakes up at night still sometimes, but hey. We're getting there.

Other favorite highlights include growling at all bugs and animals and stomping on ants. OH this little munch makes my world go round!