Disclaimer: This post got real wordy real fast. If you don't want to know about my boring problems and empty uterus, I'd suggest skipping it :)
I'm stepping outside of my comfort zone in a lot of ways right now. To be completely honest, I do not have the mind of a businesswoman. Give me babies to care for, errands to run, and a house to clean, and I am in my element. But that's the dream, isn't it? In the here and now, I'm also trying to make a career in real estate work out. And I'm excited about it! I'm willing. I want to help us get through these next years of school. But being hung up on, calling and knocking doors of people I don't know, and asking people for referrals? Yeesh. I was not made for such rejection!
Then there's that other issue... the baby issue. Let me start by saying I am so blessed in so many ways. I go to sleep every night feeling like my day was worth it because I spent it with Milo, and Trevor came home to me at night. I've never felt like I found my true calling in life more than I've felt in this year and a half as a mom. I will never again doubt my purpose in life. I love it, I love it, I love it. And I really do spend the vast majority of my time happy and enjoying this beautiful life I live.
But then there's the part that's trying to get pregnant again, and the months are just creeping on and on. I didn't think this would be an issue again (with Milo it took about a year and a half), and it is. And we're not being conservative with our treatments, either. I'll be honest. I hoped I'd be fertile again while I was still nursing. I've been hoping to magically find out I was pregnant since last summer. January came along and I weaned Milo. March came along and still hadn't started my period again. So I started working with a doctor. Bloodwork to check hormone levels. Provera to get things moving. 1 round of clomid. 1 round of clomid + tamoxifen. 4 rounds of clomid + menopur + hcg. HSG test (good). Sperm test (good). Ultrasound monitoring at least twice a month. Bloodwork a week after ovulation every month. Estrogen patches and progesterone supplements after ovulation. And nothing. So this month it's clomid + 2x menopur + hcg. And as I anxiously await the refrigerated box of injections being shipped to my house (shudder), I can't help but feel my faith wavering. I know this is what we are supposed to do. We know that growing our little family is what we're meant to be doing right now, and with that, we both
want to more than anything. But it's no secret that money is tight around here, and treatments aren't cheap. And let's not fool ourselves into thinking that I'm a wildly successful realtor bringing in the big bucks. So then I think... are we crazy? Is this the dumbest thing we could possibly be doing right now? But I already know that answer. We were meant to have babies. Maybe it takes us a while, but that's ok. I don't have to have my babies 14 months apart like other women I so wanted to join in the mommy club.
And while we're at it. Why do we as women feel such an intense desire to be as pretty as/fun as/loved as/awesome of a wife/mom as each other? The comparison thing... it's a killer. Especially when everyone and their mom is announcing that they are pregnant all day every day (or so it feels when you're caught in the trap of comparing). Oh, you're 22 and you have 3 kids under 3? Oh and you're pregnant with twins! Awesome. Why, oh
why does this cut me to the core? Goodness knows I'm working on making it not.
So anyways, when you're taking medication or getting a shot or an ultrasound or getting busy every day, it's hard to keep infertility at the back of your mind. But I'm doing my best. I've learned from experience that if I let myself think about it too much, it drives me batty. And also. Every time you find out you're not pregnant, can we talk about the terrible, inevitable conversation that neither of you wants to have but you both need to have? That day is always such a doozy. And after so many times of that same conversation, it hasn't gotten much easier.
So right now, I'm learning to stretch myself. This quote from David O McKay describes this season perfectly:
“The trouble with you is you want to see the end from the beginning. You must learn to walk to the edge of the light, and then a few steps into the darkness; then the light will appear and show the way before you.”
I don't want to come of as ungrateful. I know that things could be so, so much worse, and I know things really are
so good. We all have trials, and mine are so pale in comparison to I'm sure a majority of people! I spend
just about all of my time happy and loving life. But we all have things, you know? And right now, this is mine. I wish I had some magical answer and conclusion that I've come to with all of the crazy, but I don't. What I do know is that I have a little boy who loves me so much, and he is my everything. And I know that I can be a good mom to him right now, all day, every day. And I know that I can separate myself from worry. Worrying about it won't make me sell houses, and it surely won't make me pregnant. I'm doing good things, and I'm being the best I can, and I'm being proactive about my struggles. And that's really all I can really do, so the rest is in God's hands. Isn't that the hardest part? Putting all the answers and timing into His hands and aligning your will with His after doing your part to make it happen? But I guess that's what faith really is, and mine could surely use some building.
So for now, you can find me still venturing maybe more than a few steps into the unknown, and doing my best to be the best me I can. And keeping my heart still.
