Monday, November 24, 2014
Yup- still working on this one. No- no good news. This month (after 7 months of hardcore treatment and 2 of clomid, following a year of just trying the normal way) we took a break from the drug part of the whole thing and just went au natural (and, not pregnant, as per usual). It's getting expensive and emotionally/physically taxing, and a break was the right thing while we reevaluate and figure out the next steps.
I went in to the doctor last week and he said that it's time for IVF, which is so not an option right now. My insurance doesn't cover it at all, and the whole process rings up to about $15,000-20,000 according to my research. Next best thing is surgery to look for endometriosis. Even though I don't have the symptoms, my doctor said that in cases of unexplained infertility like mine- where there are no definitive problems besides the fact that we still aren't pregnant- it's common to find endometriosis. When they do the surgery, if they do see scar tissue, they will be able to get it out of there and give us a better chance for the next month. He said after surgery, we can either try naturally because I'll (hopefully) be at my most fertile ever, or we could do the whole shebang again. And I said I want to hit it with all we've got, so it will be back to the medication and lots and lots of hoping and prayers.
Taking a break is... meh. I feel like I'm wasting time, even though we are still trying like "normal" people. Some days are a relief. It's nice to step back, have my hormones more in check, and be able to be rational about the whole thing while we make decisions. And the other half of the time, my heart is anxious and racing because time is passing so quickly. Milo's second birthday is basically staring me in the face, and I was going to be pregnant by Christmas, and Thanksgiving, and my birthday in June, and for that matter, Milo's birthday in March and Christmas of last year. But that kind of thinking never gets me anywhere good, and I have to just put it away. The hardest thing for me about this whole thing is trying to put that piece of my heart in the back, because when I think and hope and love as hard as I do, it hurts more than I can really explain. Sometimes I feel like I can't breathe, I'm longing for another baby so badly.
Being a mom is everything to me. I want these days to last forever. And there's nothing I want more than to give my favorite little person a baby brother or sister (or 5 of each, please). But in the meantime, being the mom to one doesn't make me any less of a mother. And if I only get one, Milo is exactly the one I want, and I'm going to be the best mother to this sweet boy that I possibly can. I squeeze my little munch so, so tight and am completely in awe of the miracle baby that he is. The silver lining to all of this is really, really soaking up every second as a little family of 3. Milo gets all of my attention and our days together are heaven. These memories will mean everything to me forever. He's my whole world, if you didn't already know :). Now if only I could figure out a way to stop time and rewind sometimes so I could relive it all over and over.
So, that's the scoop. Still trying, and I'll be trying indefinitely until it happens again- and deep in there somewhere, I really think it will.